


Trying Not To Love You

by AshynnaStarlight



Series: The Lion and The Scholar [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Courtship, F/M, Golden Lion, Love, Miscommunication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-01-04
Packaged: 2018-03-04 18:28:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3081098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshynnaStarlight/pseuds/AshynnaStarlight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Short Story/Two-Shot based on the imagine from Novermberpinup on ImaginexHobbit blog. Imagine being in love with Fíli but you're too afraid to tell him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Wish I Had The Courage To Tell You How Much I Loved You

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own anything of The Hobbit (I wish because I would seriously change some stuff), nor the original imagine, nor do I make any profit. I just love giving these characters a happy ending. I do, however, own my OC and the way the story is shaped.

Winter was finally losing its hold and spring started to warm the earth again. The Mountain and its surroundings started to come alive again, like a great bear waking up from its hibernation. The fields were being ploughed, trade over water became easy again as the ice melted and the livestock could go outside again into the green pastures.

           Everyone had found their place and were becoming a tight-knit community, starting to work like a well-oiled machine. I had my place amongst my people as well. I was one of the eight scholars tasked to restore and translate many of our manuscripts thought lost when Smaug took the Mountain. It was an honourable job and I took much pride in it. However, it may be honourable but it was not as glamourous as I wanted to be. I mean…who is interested in a simple librarian?

          My task had brought me in contact with many interesting figures, for example the King and his advisors who would come to me when they sought knowledge about ancient Dwarf laws. One person I have been working with was the young Prince Fíli, King Thorin’s oldest nephew by his sister Dis. I sighed softly to myself as a half-smile appeared on my lips as I thought of him.

          We had become good friends during the lessons I gave him where I educated him about courtly matters and helped him brush up on his knowledge of our many high complicated laws. He was just so gallant and kind to me. He would always ask me about my day, visiting me at times to make sure I didn’t forget to eat or drink while I worked. Aside of being kind, he wasn’t bad to look at, not bad at all. It made me sigh soft as I thought about the _Golden Lion of Durin_ as we was called amongst our people. Many of my female peers found his younger brother Kili more attractive but I had only eyes for the golden-haired prince.

          His hair was a long golden mane, but if you looked closely – as I had a few times – you saw strains of platinum blond and a bit of dirty blond laced through the gold. I always fought the urge to comb my fingers through his hair. He had a full beard now, the two braids from his moustache longer and the beads in his hair showing that he was of the Line of Durin….far out of my range. My family belonged to the Firebeards, one of the noble families but that was nothing compared to the famous Line of Durin and Fíli was a direct descendent of Durin I.

          “Hey, you alright?” I let out a startled squeak, almost falling of my chair when I heard a rather familiar male voice speak. Big hands steadied me, making sure I wouldn’t smack to the ground and my head snapped up – meeting dazzling silver eyes. My heart slammed in my chest as my cheeks started to burn.

          “L-Lord Fíli!” I squeaked as I jumped up, blushing even more when I knocked my chair back, and wanted to make a curtsy. He laughed warm, merit in his eyes as he stopped me.

          “Oh c’mon, Neasa. We have been friends for over two years now. I thought I had told you to call me Fíli,” he told me gently as he put the chair back in place, gently pushing on my shoulders so I would sit – sitting in a chair beside me.

          “Old habits die hard,” I laughed slightly embarrassed as it was hard to hide my crush for him. I was making such a great fool out of myself. I had no idea why he tolerated me around him. These thoughts just made me sadder.

          “Neasa?” Fíli looked worried at me as he grabbed a small package out of his satchel, placing it on the table. “Are you okay?” he asked me soft as he touched my arm lightly.

          “Oh yes, it has just been a long day,” I spoke a half-truth as I tried to smile. There was a worried light in his eyes but mischief replaced it quickly as a familiar smirk appeared on his face.      

          “Look what I nicked from the kitchen!” he opened the package he had brought with him and showed it to me. My eyes widened when I saw the small cakes shaped like honeycombs.

          “Oh!” I gasped surprised as I saw my favourite kind of sweet. “Made from the first honey of the season?” I asked surprised as I hadn’t thought there was any honey around yet – unless imported from the southern regions. He nodded with a smile as he handed me a piece, which I gratefully accepted. I took a bite and a soft moan escaped my lips as the rich taste tingled my tongue and taste buds.

          My cheeks reddened as I realised the sound. I glanced embarrassed at Fíli who stared at me I a way that was foreign to me. “How was your day?” I swiftly asked and he seemed to snap out of a trance, smiling warm at me as he took a bite from his own piece of cake.

          He spoke amicable, telling me about some mischief his brother and he had pulled on poor Lord Dwalin and his Uncle Thorin. I smiled as I listened to him, his eyes bright and excited as he gestured wildly. I shook my head in soft laughter, unable to stop myself from falling in love with him a little more. I enjoyed seeing him so carefree and free from his royal burdens. He could be so serious, as was expected from him.

          He asked me about my day and I told him about the Sindarin text I was busy translating and restoring, speaking fondly about Master Ori – one of the members of the Company and the Master Scribe. It surprised me when I saw a peculiar look in his eyes for a moment. As if he was jealous. No, I imagined that. Just a figment of my mind.

          Our topics were diverse and every changing, exchanging smiles as my hand ached to touch him but I had no right to.

          “I spoke with my mother two days ago.” I tilt my head curiously as Fíli suddenly became tense and my heart filled with worry.

          “All is well with her?” I asked worried as I touched his arm fleetly in comfort.

          “Oh yes, yes she is well,” he reassured me quickly. “We spoke about that it’s maybe time for me to settle down. And I agreed with her.”

          Panic and sorrow grasped my heart at that sudden news. He had found someone who he wished to settle down with and sought advice on our courtship customs. Surely that was the case. The thought of him with some dwarrowdam made me nauseous beyond belief.

          “I’ve got to go!” I jumped up, wiping my hands clean and swiftly packed my stuff. I swallowed tight as I couldn’t look at him. I needed to get out of here. My eyes started to burn.

          ‘What?” Fíli sounded startled and confused. “Why?”

          “I’ve to bring some papers to…Lord Balin!” I lied, wincing internally as it was such a weak excuse. “I had slipped my mind. I need to do this, because he needs it and I don’t want to disappoint him!” I rambled and cursed as my voice cracked on the end.

          “Neasa?” Fíli asked hesitant while I stuffed my books in my satchel, tucking the rest under my arm. “What’s wrong?” I flinched lightly in surprise when he touched my arm and he pulled it back as if he was bitten by a snake. It almost made me weep.

          “Nothing’s wrong. I’ve to go now. Good Day!” I gave him a sloppy curtsy, which would make my Amad furious but I needed to get away so he wouldn’t see my tears or my broken heart. I kept my gaze down as I practically ran out of the library, ignoring his calls.

          Good bye, my Golden Lion.


	2. Of Blue Ribbons and Golden Lion Charms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Judging too quickly can be a dangerous thing. Thank Mahal for stubborn dwarves!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh gosh, thank you everyone who took the time to read it and left kudos. It means the world to me. I hope you like the second part!

A week has gone by since Fíli told me he was thinking about settling down and I had ran away, hiding like a coward. I hadn’t seen him as I had stayed far away from public areas and my usual spots. I didn’t wish to see him with some dwarromdam. I couldn’t handle the idea, let alone seeing it with my own two eyes. I was a coward, I knew that. I should have had the guts to tell him my feelings. It was too late now.

He had probably some dam from the Longbeards in mind and would court her. A strangled, sorrow-filled whimper escaped my lips. I clasped my hand over my mouth to silence myself. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut as they burned with tears. I missed him. I missed his smile, his laugh, his mere presence around me.

Oh by Mahal, please ease my sorrow. I lay my face in my hands for a long moment while I wept. Maybe I should leave Erebor and go to the Iron Hills or back to my kin in Ered Luid, try to find some form of happiness there. The idea of leaving Erebor made my heart twist in agony and I sighed in pain. I wiped my face clean as my shoulders slumped, my quarters quiet and empty. I froze when there was a soft knock on my door. I didn’t even dared to breath. There were a few more knocks, but I remained silent – my heart in my throat. Something being put down before my door and heavy footsteps walking away.

I waited for a few moments longer feeling the tension leave my body. Swiftly and silently, opened my door and looked around – seeing no one. I glanced down and blinked in surprise. On the floor laid a beautiful red rose in full bloom. I marvelled it as I picked it up gently. Flowers were still hard to get as it was barely spring. The person must have paid quite a dime to get one of the special hot house flowers. Hope grew in my chest. I tried to bury it, but when I saw the ribbon attacked to the stem, it was futile. I glanced around again, seeing no one. The door fell shut behind me and I sat down, my fingers trembling lightly.

          My heart beat faster as my mind finally processed the colour of the ribbon:  a dark royal blue, the colour of the Durins. My fingers trembled even more as I saw the charm attached to the ribbon; a small golden lion.

          Tears rolled down my cheeks. Fíli send me this? A rose like this meant _I love you_. Was it true? No. It must be some kind of dream. He couldn’t love me. I was a mere dam from the Blue Mountain and he was the nephew of the King.

          I grabbed my handkerchief, drying my eyes and put the flower in a vase. The petals felt so soft against my fingertips. I leaned closer, inhaling its fragrance. It smelled delicious. It could never be though. I turned away and went back to my work – pushing away the thoughts about flowers and golden haired princes.

 

Three days passed and more flowers with royal blue ribbons with golden lion charms were delivered to my doorstep. The meaning of the flowers made my heart flutter in a painful hopeful way.

          There was a red camellia, a big flower with layers and layers of petals which meant _you’re a flame in my heart_. It had made me gasp soft, fire in my veins.

          The flower on the second day was the red carnation, its petals irregular, but so beautiful. Its meaning was _my heart aches for you_. It made my own ache.

          The third one was a bouquet of colourful primroses, held together by a ribbon of royal blue. A tear rolled down my cheek as primroses meant that the giver couldn’t live without the recipient. Did these mean that Fíli was in love with me and wished to court me? Had I misinterpreted his words in the library?

          I was startled out of my thoughts when I heard a rapid knock on my door. “Lady Neasa?” Oh. I opened the door and saw Master Ori.

          “M’lord, how can I help you?” I asked soft as I let him in, still holding the bouquet.

          “I was worried about you. You haven’t been in the Library the last few days.” His eyes glanced curiously to the flowers, but he didn’t comment on it as I blushed faintly.

          “My apologies, Master Ori. It was not my intention to worry you. I just wished some solitude.” I told him a half-truth as I couldn’t tell him that I hid because of my feelings for his friend. He smiled relieved. “Oh, I finished the translation!” I stacked the two books, presenting them to him. “I’m sure it will help the Council in the future.”

          “Thank you, Lady Neasa.” He took my book and handed me a new one. “We hoped you could restore and copy this one. I’ve been assured sufficient supplies would be made available.” I nodded understanding as I cradled the book carefully.        

          We had some small talk while I walked him to the door and before he closed it behind him, he turned to me with a smile and a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

          “Fíli seems to have a decent taste!” My jaw dropped as Ori laughed and rushed off to Mahal knows where – chuckling all the way. He just confirmed my hope that it was Fíli. I had no idea what to do now!

 

I wrung my hands nervously as I looked at myself in the mirror, checking if my braids were done properly. The ribbon was entwined with my hair into braids and my clothes looked fine. I played nervously with the charm bracelet I had made from the charms he had send me. I needed to get out of my quarters and face the music. I didn’t know what to say to Fíli, but my Nana always told me not to fret too much and go with the flow.

          I exhaled deeply and left, making my way to the market to get some supplies. I felt self-conscious with Fíli’s ribbons in my braids. Not that anyone recognized it. Nevertheless, I knew from who I had got them.

          I relaxed after a short while, browsing the stalls and speaking with the vendors, trading gossips and friendly jabs. I filled my baskets with food like small cheeses and cuts of meats. Usually I went down to the Dining Halls for food, but I liked to cook for myself at times or have food inside for late night snacks when I was working late.

          My eyes caught sight of a fabric seller. I stopped at that stall and examined the fabrics, my fingers touching them lightly and enjoying the texture against my skin. I should go to the seamstresses soon and commission some new dresses. It had been a while since I had done that.

          “Neasa?” I froze as I heard the familiar timbre rich voice. I swallowed tightly before turning around, meeting Fíli’s grey-silver eyes. They widened when they spotted the ribbons in my hair. A wide, almost hopeful smile appeared on his noble face and I curtsy to him.

          “Lord Fíli,” I whispered and cursed the blush that crept on my cheeks.

          “How many times do I have to tell you; it’s Fíli?” he teased me softly and I glanced down with a shy smile. 

          “At least one more time,” I answered softly, smiling a bit wider as I had missed his laugh, his voice. By Mahal, I had missed his mere presence.

          “Would you like to take a walk with me?” he asked me kindly and I looked up at him, meeting his hopeful gaze. My heart skipped a beat.

          “I would like that,” I replied and the smile he gave me was as bright and as warm as the sun. He made a show in presenting his arm and I couldn’t help, but giggle as I accepted it. We didn’t speak while leaving the marketplace and made our way to the Royal Quarters. There was some tension in the air, but it was one born out of anticipation and the silence could even be described as comfortable. Even though that was the case, butterflies going rampant in my stomach.

          I rarely visited this part of Erebor, only when my presence was requested to explain certain customs, laws, and the person who needed the information was too busy to come in the Main Library where I generally worked.

          We took a left, walking away from where I knew were the council chambers and various studies which I would visit when summoned. My eyes took in the beauty of the tapestries, some ancient and some new. They were work of art.

          We didn’t linger long in the Main Halls, taking a few turns and I thanked Aulë that Fíli knew where we were going because I had no idea! I inhaled, did I smell flowers? I gasped softly as we soon arrived at the private royal gardens and they were as beautiful as I thought they would be. I didn’t have long to marvel at its beauty as he led me deeper into the gardens to a small _meadow_ , a secluded spot with a stone bench in the shade of an oak tree.

          He guided me to the bench and we sat down – our shoulders lightly touching. “Your braids are beautiful,” he whispered soft and I blushed, looking down shyly as I felt his eyes on me.

          There was some light throat scraping before he started to speak, “I owe you an apology, Neasa. When we last spoke, I phrased myself wrongly and I unintentionally hurt you.”

          “I shouldn’t have run away like that. Besides, it is not my business who you settle down with and as a friend, I should have stayed and be supportive.” I swallowed thickly as I felt his callous fingers softly turned my chin up and towards him so I would meet his intense gaze. My breath caught in my throat as I couldn’t nor dared to look away.

          “It is your business who I settle down with,” he spoke passionate, a fire in his eyes that made my body heat up and my heart go wild. He took a deep breath. “Neasa, daughter of Ghiva, I wish to present you this gift of courtship and it will give me great joy if you would accept it and allow me to court you.”

          I stared at Fíli. Oh how I have longed to hear these words from him. How many times had I dreamed about it? He took a hidden box from under the bench and placed it carefully unto my lap. It was a small one made out of cherry wood with intricate dwarrow carvings. A gasped escaped my lips as he lifted the lit to show its content. Tears pricked my eyes. By Mahal, I was rather prone to tears the last few days.

          There was a pair of beautiful hair beads lying on the dark velvet. The pattern was familiar, similar to Fíli’s and they must be the markings of the House of Durin. There were some more markings that signified they were indeed courting beads. Both of them had a small clear coloured blood oval rubies, so clear that they almost looked like red-tainted glass. It looked simple, , but as a dwarrow I know how expensive and precious they were and it warmed my heart. I felt myself become even warmer when I saw what metal had been used: mithril. He had used mithril; the most precious metal we had.

          “Oh Fíli,” I whispered, feeling all warm and elated. “Mithril?” I squeaked as I looked up at him and he nodded, looking shyly and nervous at me.

          “Only the best for you.”

          “Yes.”

          “Y-yes?” He looked so painfully hopeful while I smiled at him, touching his hands.

          “Yes, I accept the courtship.” If I had thought his earlier smile had been radiant, I had to think again. His whole face lit up as if he was the sun himself. He jumped up, doing excited flips, somersaults, and crying out in joy. It made me smile even wider as my heart felt about to burst with bliss.

          He went down on his knees before me, taking my hands in his and kissed my knuckles, making me giggle as I was so happy beyond words. “May I braid the beads in your hair?” I nodded silently with a smile that hurt my cheeks and he peppered a few more kisses on my knuckles.

          He took the beads and redid the braids that framed my face. His silver eyes were alight with joy. The smile on his face dazzling me. When he finished brading, he cupped my cheeks and pressed our forehead against each other. Our breaths mingled as we stared into each other’s eyes as we smiled.

          “Amrâlimê,” he whispered affectionate as his thumbs brushed feather light over my cheekbones. I closed my eyes, just trying to make sense of this all. Fíli wished to court me. He called me amrâlimê. It felt like a dream. Praise Mahal.

          “The beads are exquisite. It must have took a bit of time to prepare,” I whispered as I touch them lightly, loving the smoothness of them.

          “It has,” he admitted warmly as he sat down beside me, holding my hands. “It has taken me two months to find the mithril and the perfect rubies.” I blinked.

          “Two months?” He had been planning this for a little while already and I felt even warmer.

          “Yes, two months,” he whispered warm as his fingers softly played with my braids. “It took me a while to find the courage to ask you.”

          “And I almost ruined it.”

          “You ruined nothing, Neasa, I’m stubborn man. I would have chased you and would only have stopped if you had told me to leave you be.” He pressed one of my hands against his cheeks. I smiled tenderly at him. We sat like this for a while in silence – gazing into each other’s eyes and touching each other softly. It felt right. However…

          “I have to go to work,” I apologized to him and he kissed my knuckles soft.   “There is no need to apologize. Allow me to escort you to the Library.” We stood up and linked our arms. While walking, we spoke of small matters, our shoulders touching. I blushed as people stopped and stared while we worked through the public halls. Fíli puffed his chest, looking proud and regal.

          After a short while, we arrived at my destination. “Would you do me the honour of sharing a meal with me tonight?” I beamed at him and nodded, getting a sun-filled smile in return. Our foreheads touched softly. “I will see you soon, amrâlimê.”

          “I will see you tonight, my Prince.” We both were reluctant to separate, just wishing to be together. “Soon. The day will go by faster than you think,” I reassured him and he gave me a rueful smile. I took his hand and pressed a kiss on his knuckles. It sparked something in his eyes, making them like milted mithril.

          “Soon,” he murmured husky and gave me a flamboyant bow that made me giggle. He walked away backwards, smiling brightly at me. I waved to him, chuckling warm as the smile he had on his face could only be described as goofy.

          It seems that my future had become much brighter.

**Author's Note:**

> I saw this imagine and I just had to write it because Fíli deserved so much more. I am planning to make this a two-shot, however it can become more. For now, there will be one more chapter.  
> I'll maybe start a series with Hobbit Drabbles soon, so stay tuned!


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